The following e-mail exchanges between me and an unknown female whom we shall call Vanessa Velasco to protect the innocence of those who might be involved in any scandal such as the ZTE – NBN Broadband thing, the Jun Lozada – Ben Abalos – Romulo Neri – FG Arroyo chuva chenes (notice that I’ve included their names to generate hits for this blog). The letters confirm what I’ve known all along – I can write.

 

It started when the unknown female who works in Creative Point urged me to write freelance and that she would treat me at Starbucks. So, without further putting myself in harm’s way and experiencing the “ugly side” of the government, here is the un-edited, unplugged, uninhibited and unwashed private e-conversation:

 

 

JONI

I’m not really sure about that Starbucks coffee? Is it really famous? As in internationally? Never really heard of that.

 

As you know, I’m really picky when it comes to coffee. If I drink something it has to be world-class and uncommon — even rare. I’ve acquired that exquisite taste for coffee when I was very privileged to partake of the delicious blend when I once visited a cafe in Quad (I’m sure you’ve not heard of it because it’s quite exclusive).

 

It’s called Dunkin’ Donuts. I hear they serve really exquisite coffee.

 

Anyway, if you really want to treat me with coffee, I only allow my tongue to touch these few but select blends:

 

·         Nescafe Three-In-One

·         Kopiko Instant Coffee

·         Great Taste Three-In-One

·         San Mig Coffee (Dark)

·         Milo sachet

·         Gano Coffee

 

I know it will be hard for you to discover these blends but it’s just an acquired taste unlike so-called “coffee lovers” who have turned to the “dark (roast) side” and have allowed themselves to be lured by petty cafes like Seattle’s Best, UCC Cafe, Dome Cafe, Figaro, etc.

 

I remain a purist, and not an idiot as 99.9999% of the population often tells me.

 

Anyway, back to your request — of course, I’ll include her and I hope they also agree. I just hope I make it through the deadline.

 

Speaking of coffee, there are some cheap people who think that Go Nuts Donuts and Krispy Kreamy donuts are superior to Mr. Donuts and Happy Haus donuts.

 

Ha! They are so wrong!

 

 

 

 

 

 

AFKAV (A FEMALE KNOWN AS VANESSA)

 

Hahaha… I’ll send you a pack of Cowhead if you want. It’s the best tasting 3-in-1 coffee I ever tasted in my entire life. Better than Starbucks.

 

Btw, I got to visit Atty. Winnie and Botski sa office nila at West Ave. I think that was the time you were on sabbatical. Let me know when you get out of your hobbit hole, we’ll text you when I’m in the area. Sama ka sa lunch namin. Then I can give you your Cowhead 3-in-1 coffee. :)

 

Thanks Joni! Oh btw… thanks too for “publishing” my unpublished Dumaguete article on your blog. Was great to see it there. Wag mo tanggalin ha! I kinda like that article, and I lost almost all files of articles I’ve written when my computer crashed.

 

 

 

JONI

 

Well, if you put in some cheese, I’ll probably make labas the lungga.

 

I was thinking of calling you up and watching a movie with you kaso mukhang hindi mo type yung mga gusto ko eh (remember the rating for us — “run away fast!”) :

 

·         I Am Legend

·         The Golden Compass

·         Alien vs. Predator 2

·         Hitman

·         Enteng Kabisote

 

Uh, scratch that last one. That was for my worst list.

 

I’m always up for lunch as long as someone else is paying for it. Last Thursday, the whole broadcast group had smorgasbord at West Avenue’s Kamay Kainan (crabs, shrimps, clams, oysters, etc.). A month ago, we were in a Shabu Shabu with Ptr. Clem, Ptr. Willie Basilio and Kaye Luistro of DZFE.

 

So, you visited my blog eh. Whatdja think?

 

You should listen to the audio files and watch the video presentations if you have time or if you’re bored with life. You really should try to avoid climbing billboards if you’re bored with life.

 

Time to go. Keep in touch.

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

Ay ganon… gusto ko sana nung Enteng Kabisote eh hahaha… hey if treat mo yung movie why not. I’ve wanted to watch yung I am Legend ni Will Smith although I don’t even know what it’s about. I want to watch the Chipmunks on the Ayala Malls though… hehe, now I think you’ll really run away fast. Pambata gusto ko =P

 

Sige treat mo movie, i’ll pay for lunch… sa McDo haha. Once my ubo is over. The New Year fumes have not done me any good. Add that to the red wine I downed on New Year’s Eve, I actually started the year on an unhealthy note.

 

 

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

Hey Joni.

 

You can use this as reference in writing about Ruth Callanta. So ayan, just text me if you need help. or coffee. hehe. Your 3-in-1 Cowhead is ready. I’ll bring it when we meet. Tapusin mo muna yang articles mo then we can watch the chipmunks. Er I mean, Enteng.

 

 

 

 

JONI

 

Hey Vanessa:

 

Just talked with Ms. Jophen Baui and she approved Ms. Ruth Callanta’s inclusion in my list. Thank you very much for your generosity. If all goes well, I’ll give you the P1,000.00 as a thank you because you earned it naman talaga. I haven’t read the article yet but from what you’re saying mukhang maganda yung ginagawa niya. Bakit kaya ngayon ko lang nabalitaan ito? This could help a lot of para-church organizations like ours.

 

I intend to work on the article this week. We are meeting tomorrow at National Bookstore

Robinson’s Galleria) at 6 PM for the contract signing (no, this is not for a part in ABS CBN’s Lobo). If  you’re within the vicinity or within WiFi / Bluetooth range, you could probably make your presence felt (parang Jedi).

 

As for the movie, I watched I Am Legend and I’m sorely disappointed (and to think I paid P50.00 for an original DVD copy from Ahmed Abdul of Blinky’s DiBiDi). Charlton Heston’s The Omega Man is a lot better although it was made in the late 60’s. If we’re going to watch a movie without one of us being bored to death or experiencing nightmares, I suggest we watch Iron Man or the Justice League movie (I think it’s due on 2010), or The Dark Knight.

 

Regarding your ubo — haler? What have you been doing New Year’s Eve? Inhaling tons of gunpowder? I live near Bocaue and it wasn’t that bad. And the red wine? Ano ka ba? It’s so unlike you talaga! Buti na lang you did not pass out in the street.

 

I used to drink red wine too, Vanessa. But then nakilala ko si Lord and then everything changed dahil naging Kristyano na ako. Kapatid, magbalik ka na sa Panginoon (he he he he :) If you need a church to attend to para makilala ka na rin sa Panginoon, I suggest this church by Bro. Eddie — Bro . Eddie Gil! Try mo si God, kapatid!

 

Anyway, back to the movies, I should make this confession to you so you’ll know why I have issues with some movies.

 

I recently viewed YouTube and came across this autopsy video (as in true to life, este, true to death autopsy talaga, as in tanggal lahat ng organs). I watched several of those without throwing up or having nightmares. But then, when I was going home, in an FX, they had this small DVD player with a small screen and the driver was playing “Love Story” with Aga, Maricel and Angelica. Tried as I might, hindi ko siya mapanood! Can you believe that? Nakakapanood ako ng tutoong autopsy, pero dramatiktik na movie hindi ko masikmura! So, what’s my point? Run away fast!

 

That’s all. I thank you. I’ll keep you updated on our “business”. Keep healthy.

 

P.S.

 

I know a good AA counselor. You might want to talk to the counselor. They have AA meetings at the Alibangbang Disco Pub at Cubao (he he he!). And finally, hindi lahat ng problema nadadaan sa alak. Yung iba nadadaan sa tequila at champagne — yehey!!! Two of my favorites sans the worm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

Hahahahha! I was actually laughing out loud when I read this email. Are you drunk?? You’re drunk-emailing me ha. hehehehe… mag-confess ka na. Papakilala kita kay Fr. Panlilio. Na-meet ko sya sa La Salle. Yeah I know governor na sya, pero you can confess to him pa rin… siguraduhin mo lang na hindi corruption ang confession mo kasi i-whistle blow ka rin nya hehehe.

 

And as for the movie… I am quite entertainment-challenged these days kaya ok lang sakin kahit ano… BASTA WAG LANG AUTOPSY DOC! kahit panoorin pa natin si Sam Milby and Piolo or watever chuva ang bigay mo sakin, basta nothing morbid please.

 

And yes please… pakilala mo sakin couselor mo if i-introduce nya ko sa tequila. kasi na-introduce nako ng pastor namin sa vodka at sa gin, ang next na i-study kong drink is the tequila. Graduate nako matagal sa red wine, pero yun lang kasi available sa house namin nung new year eh.

 

 

 

JONI

 

Dear Sis. Vanessa:

 

Thank you for being very responsive to my replies. Unlike some people we know, we can be frank and candid without beer. Di katulad nung ibang mga boylets na kelangan pa ng pampalakas-loob para maging lalaki. I mean, hello, tunay na lalaki yata ako, devah? Sabunutan koh pa sila eh! Ching!

 

Na-i-”study” mo ng mag drink ng vodka at gin? Yan din yung dahilan ng mga nasa pub house at beerhouse eh! They are “studying” scotch, beer, zombies, etc.

 

So, kung halimbawa, hindi ako marunong mag-GRO, I will “study” being “with” a GRO, ganun?

 

Anyhoo, back sa alcoholism mo — the “study” of alcohol. Alam mo, Vanessa, kapatid, the first step in solving your problem is to admit that it is a problem. Paano ka gagaling niyan? Alam mo, what we should do is, you tell me your problem over a glass of Chardonay or Asti Spumanti with some beluga caviar on the side, tapos dagdagan pa natin ng manaka-nakang pag-tungga ng London Dry at Cossack Vodka (ibang lipad ‘to!) at baka masolusyunan natin ‘yang froblema moh (hic).

 

And in the end, kita mo, isa lang ang masasabi natin,”Wala kang katulad, Manny!”

 

Tagay pa!

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

I am responsive to your replies now kasi I feel like talking… and my friends tell me I get very talkative when I’m drunk. :P

 

I’m not referring to any Christian org in particular ha. Ang point ko dun is… Christian orgs can be rich!! ooooh yeah. Pag ministry kasi lagi natin iniisip hindi kumikita ng pera… non-commercial, non-profit, surviving on donations. Syempre this is soooo different from the mega churches na super yaman, may sariling gym at swimming pool pa na ang membership is mas mahal pa sa Fitness First or Gold’s Gym.

 

Anyway, thanks for entertaining me. Parang stand-up comedy bar ano. No wonder I find myself sipping vodka every time I read your email.