The Lost Text Messages

My old Nokia 6600 phone got infected with a virus. Though the phonebook was saved, some of the SMS (Short Messaging Service text) was lost. It was a good thing I kept all my good text messages in my computer. Most of these are from Vanessa, some from my mother and Ann Janet.

 

 

SIRANG KALIKASAN

 

Sabi ng hangin, mabait ka.

Sabi ng dagat, matalino ka.

Sabi ng ilog at bundok, cute ka.

Tama nga talaga ako –

Sirang sira na talaga ang kalikasan.

 

 

 

 

THE BIBLICAL BASIS FOR OKTOBERFEST

 

Give strong drink to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish. Let them drink and remember their misery no more (Proverbs 31: 6 – 7). Bible na yung nagsabi — Oktoberfest na!

 

 

 

 

TRUE SUPER HEROES

 

Superman isn’t brave. You can’t be brave if you are indestructible. It’s everyday people like me and you that are brave, knowing we can easily be defeated but still continuing forward. That’s true bravery.

 

Batman, The Insecure Hero

 

 

 

 

CLEAN MONEY

 

LOI: Dear, bakit mo naman kinakalikot yung mga damit mo bago mo ilagay sa labahan?

ERAP: Hinahanap ko kung may mga barya akong naiwan sa bulsa. Mahirap na kasi kung –

LOI: Kung ano, dear?

ERAP: Baka makasuhan kasi ako ng money laundering!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOLDING HANDS

 

Sometimes you feel that problems are so heavy.

Sometimes it’s hard for you and you can say you can’t do it anymore.

Just look at the sky.

Maybe there’s someone to lean on.

Or maybe, you can call me.

You’ll know that forever.

 

Holding hands!

I will not leave you!

 

(English version of Yeng Constantino’s Hawak Kamay)

 

 

 

 

RULES OF LIFE

 

It’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life. (Rules on Patintero or an excerpt from Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned in Patintero)

 

 

 

 

RECOLLECTION OF MONEY

 

Nanay: Hello, anak? Naipadala ko na pala sa kartero ang P50,000.00 na pang-matrikula mo sa eskuwelehan. Ipinagbili na namin yung kalabaw natin eh. Ang mahal naman pala kapag automotive ang course mo.Atchaka nga pala, wala na nga pala tayong alagang baboy. Naipagbili na namin ng tatay mo para duon sa sinasabi mong project — Nokia N75 ba yun? Ang mahal naman anak ng project mo!Kasama na din duon yung baon mo na P7,000.00 para sa recollection niyo sa MOA. Saan ba yun? Siguro ang laking monasteryo.

The Alcoholic E-Mail

The following e-mail exchanges between me and an unknown female whom we shall call Vanessa Velasco to protect the innocence of those who might be involved in any scandal such as the ZTE – NBN Broadband thing, the Jun Lozada – Ben Abalos – Romulo Neri – FG Arroyo chuva chenes (notice that I’ve included their names to generate hits for this blog). The letters confirm what I’ve known all along – I can write.

 

It started when the unknown female who works in Creative Point urged me to write freelance and that she would treat me at Starbucks. So, without further putting myself in harm’s way and experiencing the “ugly side” of the government, here is the un-edited, unplugged, uninhibited and unwashed private e-conversation:

 

 

JONI

I’m not really sure about that Starbucks coffee? Is it really famous? As in internationally? Never really heard of that.

 

As you know, I’m really picky when it comes to coffee. If I drink something it has to be world-class and uncommon — even rare. I’ve acquired that exquisite taste for coffee when I was very privileged to partake of the delicious blend when I once visited a cafe in Quad (I’m sure you’ve not heard of it because it’s quite exclusive).

 

It’s called Dunkin’ Donuts. I hear they serve really exquisite coffee.

 

Anyway, if you really want to treat me with coffee, I only allow my tongue to touch these few but select blends:

 

·         Nescafe Three-In-One

·         Kopiko Instant Coffee

·         Great Taste Three-In-One

·         San Mig Coffee (Dark)

·         Milo sachet

·         Gano Coffee

 

I know it will be hard for you to discover these blends but it’s just an acquired taste unlike so-called “coffee lovers” who have turned to the “dark (roast) side” and have allowed themselves to be lured by petty cafes like Seattle’s Best, UCC Cafe, Dome Cafe, Figaro, etc.

 

I remain a purist, and not an idiot as 99.9999% of the population often tells me.

 

Anyway, back to your request — of course, I’ll include her and I hope they also agree. I just hope I make it through the deadline.

 

Speaking of coffee, there are some cheap people who think that Go Nuts Donuts and Krispy Kreamy donuts are superior to Mr. Donuts and Happy Haus donuts.

 

Ha! They are so wrong!

 

 

 

 

 

 

AFKAV (A FEMALE KNOWN AS VANESSA)

 

Hahaha… I’ll send you a pack of Cowhead if you want. It’s the best tasting 3-in-1 coffee I ever tasted in my entire life. Better than Starbucks.

 

Btw, I got to visit Atty. Winnie and Botski sa office nila at West Ave. I think that was the time you were on sabbatical. Let me know when you get out of your hobbit hole, we’ll text you when I’m in the area. Sama ka sa lunch namin. Then I can give you your Cowhead 3-in-1 coffee.

 

Thanks Joni! Oh btw… thanks too for “publishing” my unpublished Dumaguete article on your blog. Was great to see it there. Wag mo tanggalin ha! I kinda like that article, and I lost almost all files of articles I’ve written when my computer crashed.

 

 

 

JONI

 

Well, if you put in some cheese, I’ll probably make labas the lungga.

 

I was thinking of calling you up and watching a movie with you kaso mukhang hindi mo type yung mga gusto ko eh (remember the rating for us — “run away fast!”) :

 

·         I Am Legend

·         The Golden Compass

·         Alien vs. Predator 2

·         Hitman

·         Enteng Kabisote

 

Uh, scratch that last one. That was for my worst list.

 

I’m always up for lunch as long as someone else is paying for it. Last Thursday, the whole broadcast group had smorgasbord at West Avenue’s Kamay Kainan (crabs, shrimps, clams, oysters, etc.). A month ago, we were in a Shabu Shabu with Ptr. Clem, Ptr. Willie Basilio and Kaye Luistro of DZFE.

 

So, you visited my blog eh. Whatdja think?

 

You should listen to the audio files and watch the video presentations if you have time or if you’re bored with life. You really should try to avoid climbing billboards if you’re bored with life.

 

Time to go. Keep in touch.

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

Ay ganon… gusto ko sana nung Enteng Kabisote eh hahaha… hey if treat mo yung movie why not. I’ve wanted to watch yung I am Legend ni Will Smith although I don’t even know what it’s about. I want to watch the Chipmunks on the Ayala Malls though… hehe, now I think you’ll really run away fast. Pambata gusto ko =P

 

Sige treat mo movie, i’ll pay for lunch… sa McDo haha. Once my ubo is over. The New Year fumes have not done me any good. Add that to the red wine I downed on New Year’s Eve, I actually started the year on an unhealthy note.

 

 

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

Hey Joni.

 

You can use this as reference in writing about Ruth Callanta. So ayan, just text me if you need help. or coffee. hehe. Your 3-in-1 Cowhead is ready. I’ll bring it when we meet. Tapusin mo muna yang articles mo then we can watch the chipmunks. Er I mean, Enteng.

 

 

 

 

JONI

 

Hey Vanessa:

 

Just talked with Ms. Jophen Baui and she approved Ms. Ruth Callanta’s inclusion in my list. Thank you very much for your generosity. If all goes well, I’ll give you the P1,000.00 as a thank you because you earned it naman talaga. I haven’t read the article yet but from what you’re saying mukhang maganda yung ginagawa niya. Bakit kaya ngayon ko lang nabalitaan ito? This could help a lot of para-church organizations like ours.

 

I intend to work on the article this week. We are meeting tomorrow at National Bookstore

Robinson’s Galleria) at 6 PM for the contract signing (no, this is not for a part in ABS CBN’s Lobo). If  you’re within the vicinity or within WiFi / Bluetooth range, you could probably make your presence felt (parang Jedi).

 

As for the movie, I watched I Am Legend and I’m sorely disappointed (and to think I paid P50.00 for an original DVD copy from Ahmed Abdul of Blinky’s DiBiDi). Charlton Heston’s The Omega Man is a lot better although it was made in the late 60’s. If we’re going to watch a movie without one of us being bored to death or experiencing nightmares, I suggest we watch Iron Man or the Justice League movie (I think it’s due on 2010), or The Dark Knight.

 

Regarding your ubo — haler? What have you been doing New Year’s Eve? Inhaling tons of gunpowder? I live near Bocaue and it wasn’t that bad. And the red wine? Ano ka ba? It’s so unlike you talaga! Buti na lang you did not pass out in the street.

 

I used to drink red wine too, Vanessa. But then nakilala ko si Lord and then everything changed dahil naging Kristyano na ako. Kapatid, magbalik ka na sa Panginoon (he he he he If you need a church to attend to para makilala ka na rin sa Panginoon, I suggest this church by Bro. Eddie — Bro . Eddie Gil! Try mo si God, kapatid!

 

Anyway, back to the movies, I should make this confession to you so you’ll know why I have issues with some movies.

 

I recently viewed YouTube and came across this autopsy video (as in true to life, este, true to death autopsy talaga, as in tanggal lahat ng organs). I watched several of those without throwing up or having nightmares. But then, when I was going home, in an FX, they had this small DVD player with a small screen and the driver was playing “Love Story” with Aga, Maricel and Angelica. Tried as I might, hindi ko siya mapanood! Can you believe that? Nakakapanood ako ng tutoong autopsy, pero dramatiktik na movie hindi ko masikmura! So, what’s my point? Run away fast!

 

That’s all. I thank you. I’ll keep you updated on our “business”. Keep healthy.

 

P.S.

 

I know a good AA counselor. You might want to talk to the counselor. They have AA meetings at the Alibangbang Disco Pub at Cubao (he he he!). And finally, hindi lahat ng problema nadadaan sa alak. Yung iba nadadaan sa tequila at champagne — yehey!!! Two of my favorites sans the worm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

Hahahahha! I was actually laughing out loud when I read this email. Are you drunk?? You’re drunk-emailing me ha. hehehehe… mag-confess ka na. Papakilala kita kay Fr. Panlilio. Na-meet ko sya sa La Salle. Yeah I know governor na sya, pero you can confess to him pa rin… siguraduhin mo lang na hindi corruption ang confession mo kasi i-whistle blow ka rin nya hehehe.

 

And as for the movie… I am quite entertainment-challenged these days kaya ok lang sakin kahit ano… BASTA WAG LANG AUTOPSY DOC! kahit panoorin pa natin si Sam Milby and Piolo or watever chuva ang bigay mo sakin, basta nothing morbid please.

 

And yes please… pakilala mo sakin couselor mo if i-introduce nya ko sa tequila. kasi na-introduce nako ng pastor namin sa vodka at sa gin, ang next na i-study kong drink is the tequila. Graduate nako matagal sa red wine, pero yun lang kasi available sa house namin nung new year eh.

 

 

 

JONI

 

Dear Sis. Vanessa:

 

Thank you for being very responsive to my replies. Unlike some people we know, we can be frank and candid without beer. Di katulad nung ibang mga boylets na kelangan pa ng pampalakas-loob para maging lalaki. I mean, hello, tunay na lalaki yata ako, devah? Sabunutan koh pa sila eh! Ching!

 

Na-i-”study” mo ng mag drink ng vodka at gin? Yan din yung dahilan ng mga nasa pub house at beerhouse eh! They are “studying” scotch, beer, zombies, etc.

 

So, kung halimbawa, hindi ako marunong mag-GRO, I will “study” being “with” a GRO, ganun?

 

Anyhoo, back sa alcoholism mo — the “study” of alcohol. Alam mo, Vanessa, kapatid, the first step in solving your problem is to admit that it is a problem. Paano ka gagaling niyan? Alam mo, what we should do is, you tell me your problem over a glass of Chardonay or Asti Spumanti with some beluga caviar on the side, tapos dagdagan pa natin ng manaka-nakang pag-tungga ng London Dry at Cossack Vodka (ibang lipad ‘to!) at baka masolusyunan natin ‘yang froblema moh (hic).

 

And in the end, kita mo, isa lang ang masasabi natin,”Wala kang katulad, Manny!”

 

Tagay pa!

 

 

 

 

VANESSA

 

I am responsive to your replies now kasi I feel like talking… and my friends tell me I get very talkative when I’m drunk.

 

I’m not referring to any Christian org in particular ha. Ang point ko dun is… Christian orgs can be rich!! ooooh yeah. Pag ministry kasi lagi natin iniisip hindi kumikita ng pera… non-commercial, non-profit, surviving on donations. Syempre this is soooo different from the mega churches na super yaman, may sariling gym at swimming pool pa na ang membership is mas mahal pa sa Fitness First or Gold’s Gym.

 

Anyway, thanks for entertaining me. Parang stand-up comedy bar ano. No wonder I find myself sipping vodka every time I read your email.

Lists of Sevens

Vanessa Velasco (also known as Nechie, Nechie Kadal, Van and other aliases she uses to elude the InterPol) posted a request for me (and a host of other people) to fill in my list of likes and dislikes.

 

Initially, I made it as a comment on one of her many blogs floating in cyberspace. She SMSed me and told me that I should’ve placed it on my own blog. So, here it is. Nothing surprising though.

 

Hello, Vanessa. I was working on our “business”, when I read your seven things and you want me to take the test (unless there’s another Joni clone you are referring to). So, obliging since I have nothing to do (read: Counterstrike LAN is offline), I’m taking up your challenge.

 

 

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE ME:

 

• Exams, specifically those that deal with numbers and mathematical figures / equations.
• Deranged and drunk drug addicts who carry guns (they’ll shoot anyone they see).
• A telephone call in the middle of the night when any of my loved ones are still out, and the TV or radio station is reporting a “big tragedy” where “thousands have died”.
• Fanatical religious extremists (they’ll cut you using an unsharpened razor blade — can you imagine how long that’ll take?). Sabi nga ni Louie Vargas eh, may pagka-Ogrish baga.
• Parties, where there are two or more people (I live under a rock).
• School / Alumni Homecomings
• Being too outwardly spiritual that I’ve become inwardly worldly (bigat).

 

 

 

SEVEN THINGS I LIKE THE MOST:

 

• Conversations under the moon, atop a penthouse of a very tall skyscraper with plenty of seafood to eat.
• Sleeping all day, waking up late.
• The Great Indoors (especially when it’s raining Garfields and Odies)
• The music of the 80’s and 90’s.
• Intimacy and privacy.
• Chocolate, but it’s like kryptonite — if I eat too much, I get migraine attacks.
• Art galleries and museums.

 

 

 

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY ROOM:

 

• My PC and its 1000 GB of files.
• My collection of VCDs, DVDs and MP3s.
• My few pieces of apparel.
• My iPAQ. Just sold it this December 2006.
• Alcohol (not the one you drink)
• Commendations, plaques, trophies, etc.
• The fact that my room looks more like a white padded cell (read: mental hospital, psycho ward) than a normal room.

 

 

 

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

 

• Most people think I’m crazy. Later, they’ll KNOW I’m crazy.
• I have tons of perfume at home (a lot of people give it as gifts) but I don’t use them. Somehow, I got tired of using it.
• I’ve won a photography contest, but I don’t own an SLR camera.
• I once worked for a sleazy tabloid which required me to frequently visit the red light district. Let’s just say that I was young and I needed the money (he he he). Later, I had to take my clothes off for a newspaper. Like I said, I was young, naive and I needed the money. Ask me later if you want the surprising details.
• Being the only guy in one semester during college, my girl-classmates “used” me as a sort of boyfriend puppet (for lack of any descriptives). That includes constantly holding my hands, playing with my hair, using me as a human chair, etc.) It was nice for a while but you get tired of it eventually.
• I was in a movie by Regal Films, that movie with Cris Villanueva, Cristina Paner and Chong Joey Marquez. No, Kris wasn’t there. I was also a stage-play extra in high school.
• Watching the end-time movies Distant Thunder and The Prodigal Planet was the reason I became a Christian.

 

 

 

SEVEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

 

• Hike across Europe with my family.
• Visit the former USSR.
• Write a book.
• Audition for American Idol.
• Write a screenplay for Hollywood.
• Raise a family.
• Find out who really killed JFK.

 

 

 

SEVEN THINGS I CAN DO:

 

• Do DJ work.
• Learn any computer program that is, ummm, “cool!” and “awesome!”
• Do janitor work like mopping the house, dusting furniture, vacuum work, clean the garage, etc.
• Since I host a radio show, I can listen well to my guests and understand what they mean, but it takes me 15 years to get the words “Let’s get married!!” (said by a girl to me) into my male psyche.
• Be silent for a whole day. Maybe I’ll try that for a week.
• Invent games for a church’s Family Day (been doin’ that for decades).
• Do consultancy work — y’know, the thing with the group dynamics, the touchy-feely-crying stuff, data analysis and staff interviews.

 

 

 

SEVEN THINGS I CAN’T DO:

 

• Rappel — not yet though. Although if I could, I could break the ropes or when I fall, I might take the whole mountain with me.
• Watch tele-novelas and remain awake for 3 seconds.
• Diet — hopefully not for long.
• Pretend that I like someone when I just feel I want to hurl.
• Climb the palo-sebo pole.
• Propose or ask someone out. I used to do it often in high school. I’ve somehow lost it when I went to college and started working.
• Iron clothes in the fast and proper way. It takes real skill to iron clothes and maybe I just need practice (wax in, wax out!).

 

 

 

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO THE OPPOSITE SEX:

 

Note: I have two versions. The “ideal” one, and the “real” one. Go choose which fits best:

 

THE IDEAL VERSION

• Intelligence
• Good sense of humor
• A high sense of ethical and morality
• Femininity
• Care
• Emotional Support
• Simplicity

 

 

THE REAL VERSION

• A little dumb. Of course, how is she gonna fall for me if she has half the intelligence of a toaster!
• Never laughs at your jokes, but looks at you with dark, penetrating eyes as if planning something very, ummm, fun.
• Constantly on the edge of what is acceptable human and Christian behavior.
• Hates the mall and despises sales like the plague.
• Never remembers birthdays, anniversaries or special days like Valentines. Always insists that she can “go home on her own” and that she “doesn’t need you to pick her up at work.”
• Highly independent (in her career, in her life, etc.)
• Complicated — like, you’ve been married for 40 years and you’re still finding new things about her. Hopefully, not a younger DI lover.

 

 

SEVEN THINGS I SAY THE MOST:

 

• In fairness
• Duh-huh!(variation: Like, Duh!)
• That’s a lesson for us all.
• Yeah. Whatever.
• No, I don’t have ten children.
• No, I’m not an elephant in man’s clothing.
• Yeah, right.

 

 

 

SEVEN CELEBRITY CRUSHES:

 

Not necessarily in order. I seem to go for some women twice my age. Hmm, bakit kaya?

• Isabella Rossellini (it’s her mystic charm, plus the accent)
• Phoebe Cates (it’s her everything I think)
• Meg Ryan (wish your GF was as funny as her)
• Kylie Minogue (her intelligence. Okay, honestly, she’s a bomb-shell.)
• Marilyn Monroe (No one comes close with the way she walks, talks, dances, etc.)
• Nicole Kidman (great actress especially with The Others and Moulin Rouge)
• Gillian Anderson / Carrie Fisher / Lisa Kudrow (living proof that gorgeous women can be intelligent as well).

 

 

 

SEVEN PEOPLE WHO I WANT TO TAKE THIS TEST:

 

• Ossama Bin Laden
• Jerry Springer
• Eric Cartman
• Kim Jong Il
• Martha Stewart
• Simon Cowell
• Sarah Michelle Gellar